I get that Etsy is The Best Thing to hit weddings since chocolate mouse cake, but I think that we’ve all gone a little overboard. Sure, it’s great to pick up that artisan bridal clutch or hand-beaded wedding garter set that you can’t find anywhere else, but a quickly spreading Etsy Addiction has lead us all to a bad place. I’m talking about the burgeoning industry of wedding signage that no one needs.
Cutesy signs. Signs that don’t make sense. Bad poetry. Just say no, people!
1. You Will Forever Be My Always:
Almost 3000 people have pinned this cutesy wedding sign, but call us confused. What does this even mean? You are my always? Do people say that to each other? Or do people like it just because it has ‘forever’ and ‘always’ in the same sentence? Is the path to Etsy World Domination paved with putting those two words in the same sentence, no matter how little sense they might make?
2. Fairy Tale Signs:
So, Happily Ever After starts in the dirt in someone’s badly pruned front garden? Huh. I didn’t realize that. But seriously, what’s with weddings having to be fairy tales? Y’all are grown up. Fairy tales do not exist. Real love, the joys and tragedies of every day life, and the messy hard work of relationships does. To me, sticking with someone through all that is far more romantic.
3. From This Day Forward…
So, in case it’s not obvious I just want to point out – this is not poetry. This is words vomited on a page and made to rhyme. It’s schmaltzy. Where is my Pepto, people?
4. Eat, Drink and Be Married:
I take offense to this sign because I find it exclusionary. What if you’re not married? What if you’re the bride’s teenage cousin. Or the groom’s older sister who still hasn’t found The One? Can you not join in? I know, I know… that’s not the point. But the point is… nonsense.
5. Sandy Toes…
I see what you did there. You murdered the English language. The police will be along shortly to charge you.
6. When He Stole Her Heart:
Try to read the sign above. With the dates. Is that how sentences are supposed to work? Now try to read it without the dates. Still not making much sense? Yeah.
7. Her Captain:
Captain, my Captain! How about no? Why is the groom the captain and the bride the first mate? I bet they don’t even make a version where she’s the captain. Because… sexism.
Want to see some pretty dresses?
Check out The Ultimate Guide to Sexy Wedding Dresses. While you’re at it, get tips and tricks for looking your best on your big day in The Sexy Bride Guide. And don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter to get your free guide: 7 Secrets to Being Sexy (In Sweatpants, Mom Jeans or Your Wedding Dress). You should totally sign up. It’s actually quite informative while also being hilarious.
I hope that you are able to find the nauseating wedding sign of your dreams!